Techniques I am Currently Using to Change Negative Thinking, Accomplish Goals, and Make Positive Changes In My Life

The need to feel better, do things different, and be healed of a diseased mind takes a lot of work, time and energy. In order for change to happen one needs to be open, ready and willing to do the work it takes to have different experiences. Below you will see some of the tools I am currently using to accomplish goals and live an authentic life.

First, write  down a list of all the things you would like to improve, accomplish, or start practicing. This will be your goal list. My list consisted of the following:

        Change my thought patterns
        Stop procrastinating
        Be solution focused
        Learn to be an effective communicator
        Exercise
        Travel

These are the "big picture" goals. This is a list you can always add to as you find new things you would like to change or accomplish.

When you have a list going number each goal from 1-4. 1 being the most important to work on and 4 being the least important. For example:

        Change my thought patterns (1)
        Stop procrastinating (1)
        Be solution focused (1)
        Learn to be an effective communicator (1)
        Exercise (2)
        Travel (4)

From this point I like to choose 2-3 things that are 1's and 2 things that are 2-4's. This helps to balance things out a little. Challenging work should be balanced with pleasurable work. Once you pick 4-6 things you want to work on for the week, then you need to organize it. You will organize your goals by writing each one down and listing how can you accomplish each goal . For example:

•  Change my thought patterns

• how? Write  down negative thoughts as much as possible and write a positive to each negative. Then go over all the positives daily.

If you are unsure of how you will accomplish a goal, write down "research it" and make a list of all your findings.

From here I like to use an agenda to keep myself organized and to make sure I accomplish or worked on each goal. Pick one or a few strategies to accomplish each goal. Here's an example of my agenda:

9am - write negative thoughts throughout the day*
10am - class
11am - class
12pm - make a list of boundary statements* read them over and practice throughout the day
1pm - exercise*
2pm - write negative thoughts*
3pm - make calls
4pm -
5pm - dinner
6pm -
7pm - write positives to the negatives* and read them over
8pm - read self-help book*

It's important to make yours tackle your goals in a realistic manner. Making them unrealistic will set you back and result in not following through. Also, making them to easy can also slow your progression down.

Also keep in mind that some goals you might have to carry forward for days, weeks or months depending on how much work has to be done. As long as you stick to it, it will improve and you will see and feel changes.

Give it a shot and see how it works for you!

Resistance to Change

Why do some people have such a high resistance to change?
The change I have the most resistance with is, changing myself. I do not mean changing for other people but changing to feel better, do better, and think better. I know that thinking negatively ultimately effects me. I know that not doing what I'll say I'll do will not only hurt others but hurt myself as well. So, why is changing for the better so hard?

One thing I do know is that comfort, in regards to change is not helpful. Not being uncomfortable enough will lead to stagnancy which means no growth. Moreover, fear is also one the leading causes of most of my issues with change. A fear of relapsing, a fear of not meeting expectations of myself or others.

Writing this really helps me to realize I have to stop making excuses and get the courage to the best I can be. Stop being afraid to love, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to open my self to new things, afraid to be my best. I have examples of people doing it everyday, therefore I can do it to. So just do it!

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;

Succeed Anyway.

If you are  honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If yo find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it many never be enough;

Give your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;

I was never between you and them anyway.

Fighting Negative Thinking

Lastnight my best friend and I decided to make changes to our negative thinking. We wrote down all of our negative thoughts, holding back nothing. It was interesting when when looked at our thoughts and saw a common theme. For me, all my statements were "I" statements, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be better and do better. Also a lot of statements were fear based, here are some of my negative thoughts I wrote down:
Negative: "I believe I am selfishness"
Negative: "I'm uneducated"
Negative: "I believe my sister hates my partner"

My friend also made me aware of how I sabotage my own progress. She explained it as; me digging my own hole and greasing the walls. Basically an impossible situation to get out.

And so, in addition to writing down our negative thoughts we had to also write the positives to each statement. We had to rearrange the negative statements to find see the positive. Such as,
Positive: "I am open to share my time, money, and energy to help another"
Positive:"I know a lot about different things most people do not know about","I am open and receptive to learning new things". 
Positive: "My sisters insecurities are not mine to own", "I am open to set boundaries, display courage and respect myself and those who respect me".

I can see that just by changing the thought from a negative to a positive my energy about the issue changes.

Through this method of training your brain to think different, it is inevitable to prosper and have good experiences in my life. 
But only with consistency can such a method work, I have to make a commitment to write as much negative thoughts as possible and also find a positive for each negative thought and focus on the positives.

My Hero

For two and a half years I have known, what I like to call a "resemblance of God". She is one of the reasons I know God exists. She inspires me everyday to be better. To love more, find more compassion, be more grateful, be more humble, be kind, be mindful, be honest, be your authentic self. She captivates me with her wisdom, her patience, her intelligence and her love.

She is everything I want to be, she is strong, beautiful, talented, passionate, soft and firery. She believes in preserving what it means to be human. To love no matter what, to show compassion no matter what, to share no matter what, to help no matter what, to be selfless in everything you do because you have more than enough to share, in every aspect of life. And that is our purpose. If everyone, including myself can possess these traits, if not all the time but most of the time the world would be a better place.

Even though, not all people possess these traits or even believe in them it is important to show it anyways. I found a poem reflects this way of being. It's called "do it anyways"

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed Anyway.
If you are  honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If yo find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it many never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God;
I was never between you and them anyway.

This reminds of my hero and what she represents. People that reflect this way of being are rare and a gift that should be appreciated.

This is just a small gesture to let her know, regardless of my issues and struggles in life I will always be grateful for who she is and what she has done for me (in many areas of my life). She helps me with my anxiety and my negative thought processes. She is the most important person in my life and I hope that from this moment forward my actions always reflect that.

Living Anxious - The Effects of Child Abuse

Child abuse is bullying. It's "I'm bigger and superior, therefore I don't need to respect you" kind of an attitude. It destroys, it dehumanizes, desensitizes, it disqualifies and it lacks love. Child abuse is senseless and ineffective. Child abuse is counterproductive and creates more problems in the world. Unresolved child abuse can lead to anxiety as an adult.Child abuse breaks down children and destroys self-confidence, trust, and healthy thinking.Although, some children manage to grow up and be functional adults, there are still issues that may arise and hinder progression.

The effects of child abuse as an adult start to reveal itself as I get older and try to maintain functional relationships and survive in this world. Living anxious is not pleasant and tends to get worse as issues are not dealt with. Being anxious about living is not living and makes it extremely hard to enjoy the simple things in life. Anxiety has effected my life in many areas, this includes:

*Social Anxiety - I am anxious/ nervous around people I am unfamiliar with. I am scared about being perceived a certain way. I am Anxious about large groups of people in open or closed spaces.
*Anxiety about trying something new - I have fears about failing, so I do not try.
*Anxiety about completing tasks - I believe I wont complete the task perfectly, therefore I may never attempt the task.
*Anxiety about communicating - I might sound ignorant or I'll take to long to formulate sentences, so I won't talk.
*Anxiety about responsibility - I might fail at being responsible or I might disappoint.
*Anxiety about confrontation - I don't want to hurt any ones feelings so I wont talk about an issue, even if it hurts me.
*Anxiety to share my emotions - It might be perceived wrong, or it might hurt someone elses feelings. Expressing my emotions also means volnurability, which is something I'm not entirely comfortable with.
*Anxiety about problem solving - I'm afraid my solutions might not work.

My anxieties are fears of the unknown. Although, anxiety makes no sense and serves no positive purpose it is a horrible practice I have managed to endure for years. It has deprived me of so much in my life, it sets limits, and keeps me stagnant. At times, anxiety drowns me and creates a fog, where I am unable to see any form of light. Even though anxiety is poison, it also brings a sense of comfort; because it's familiar since I've had anxiety for so long.

However, it is not something I want to continue to entertain. Anxiety not only hurts emotionally and mentally but it also effects me physically. Being anxious creates a lot of tension in my body. With tension comes physical pain and ache (rigid muscles and joints), restlessness and digestive problems.

Anxiety long-term can and will lead to depression if not dealt with and other physical ailments. Moreover, my anxiety also effects the people close to me. They have to also endure my perceptions of the world, which is not fare.

I want to be free of anxiety; of senseless fear. I want to be free of pain from my childhood. I want to live present and enjoy each moment at least most of the time.

And so, through lots of patience and guidance I am fortunate to have an opportunity to grow and learn how to deal with anxiety. Everyday is a challenge, but as long as I utilize tools I have been provided with I will succeed.
Some tools I've been introduced to, to cope with anxiety are:
*Journaling - Keeping track of thoughts and feelings as they happen.
*Communicating more - Expressing my feeling and thoughts to people I trust. They might be able to offer a different perspective.
*Keeping a list of coping activities in my wallet to help manage anxiety. This includes reading something motivational, listening to happy music, push ups, walking the dog, playing with children.
* Action - Doing what makes you anxious is the only way to get over it, the more you do it the easier it gets.

My Experience: Childhood Trauma in Adults - Molestation and Abuse

I would like to think of my self as someone who has moved on from the past and lives in present however, that is not the case. My first experience with trauma in my life started as a child, between the ages of 6 and 9 I started to experience abuse from my mother. Verbal abuse and physical abuse was normal in my household. I was constantly told how "simple" and naive  I was and I was also  made fun of by her (how I was shaped like a man). Whenever I did something that was not desired, such as getting "bad" or average marks in school, I got scolded for it. Every parent teacher meeting was a guaranteed scolding. I remember one day I decided to steal $2 from my older sister, she told my mother. When I got home from school that day, she told me to take off my clothes and wait in my room. She came in and asked me about the money, I told her the truth and she beat me with a wooden spoon, belt, or a shoe. That was the worst scolding I ever received from her. It seemed like it would never end. When she was done I had welts all over my body and they were sore and hurt to touch. She also managed to cut my skin in the process, and I still have the scar on my back from that day.  I never challenged my mother, due to the fact that she put the fear of God in me. She was God, and as a result I never questioned or challenged her authority. I was timid and shy, but playful with those who I was familiar with. I was never encouraged to speak my mind, or challenge something that is not morally right. In fact, doing so would be disrespect (in my mother's eyes). I can still remember her anger, her frustration, her facial expressions and her horrible words that broke my spirit and confidence.

At the age of 8 or 9, my mother met a man, he moved in and they had a daughter (my sister). I had no father and he was the closest thing to a father figure. He was fun, I enjoyed his company and the things he did with me such as cycling at the ravine and going on car rides (while he flirting with other women). He was lively and had a love for music (reggae music), he always played music which brought good energy in our home. He made my mother happy and she loved him and did everything with him and for him. I used to lay with him in their bed and watch TV, that was comfort to me.  We would watched "Archie Bunker" and "Married with Children".

However, one day he decided to take advantage of my innocence and molested me in their bed. He would put his hands in my underwear and touch me. I remember I was also starting to develop breasts and he would touch them. I continuously allowed it to happen. Until late one night we were watching TV together in the living room, he gave me beer to drink and I drank it. The effects of alcohol on a child is very immediate (from what I can remember), I felt drowsy and started to fall asleep. Suddenly, I felt his body on top of mine. I could feel his private on mine. I remember feeling very uncomfortable about him being on top of me while I was asleep. In a daze and scared, I jumped up and ran to my mothers room. He tried blocking me from going to her, but I managed to get through, and when I did get passed him I woke her up and told her what he was doing. She questioned me and asked me if I was sure, she checked me out and asked if I wanted to go to the doctor, I said yes. Because it was the middle of the night we did not go, but I was expecting to go in the morning. The morning came and everything proceeded as normal, as if nothing happened. Shortly after that night he took me out, drove me to the ravine we ride are bikes in and asked me if I didn't like what he was doing to me. I told him I didn't like it and he agreed to stop, and he did. As result of my mother lack of interest or concern I also disqualified what happened and proceeded with my life.

And so, life went on and my childhood/innocence was over. I no longer trusted my mother with anything. The way I looked at the world changed and began to internalize everything. I hid everything from her. I never expressed anything I felt or thought. After a short time, around a year or so my mother realized who he truly was and she removed him from her life (due to infidelity).

Regardless of how my mother treated me and my lack of trust for her, I always showed her love and appreciation. I did everything for her as a teenager: I became her chauffeur, carried heavy bags for her, buckled her shoes, cleaned, fixed anything that needed to be fixed, I became her "puppet".

As I got older I functioned the best way I knew how, stay quiet and  be as nice as possible at all costs. I told high school friends of my experience and eventually my older sister. In 2011 I told my mother (age 27) and other relatives in my family, she remembered that night but took no responsibly at first, through my older sister she then recognized her responsibility and decided to apologize for her lack of compassion.

As a result of childhood trauma I have had many challenges with relationships in my life. From friendships, family relationships and intimate relationships. I am able to recognize the difficulty I have with communication, trust, and boundaries. My lack of communication in all my relationships have lead to countless disappointments and pain. Communication with others is one of by biggest struggles. Formulating sentences to describe feelings is like moving mountains: I have created a disconnect with my feelings. I have managed to completely disqualify anything I feel and make it secondary. Coping with simple situations/ problems is challenge. My critical thinking skills are lacking which makes problem solving almost impossible at times. I tend to avoid conflict or confrontation, my idea of dealing with a problem is to run or say nothing at all. My lack of trust for people have lead me to have an introverted, selfish behavior. My attitude of protecting myself from "potential harm" has created walls which block progression. Setting boundaries is inline with communication, and because I lack good communication skills I have allowed people (family, friends) to say or do things to me (and others) that shouldn't be said or done. My lack of boundaries have lead to people taking advantage of my kindness and me getting hurt.  As a result of all of the above, I currently struggle with maintaining functional and healthy relationships.

Childhood trauma in adults is a horrible thing to battle. Recognizing that the world is not my mother is a challenge. Recognizing, that when someone does something that resembles her behavior it is not a reflection of her and I am no longer a child without a voice. I can stand up and communicate my thoughts and feelings, I can set boundaries with people and I can trust.

Although I am able to utter those words, I don't always believe them or even have the courage to do them. My cowardice behavior is distasteful (in my opinion) and prevents me from having the fulfilling life I desire.

I can only hope that each day I live, I can find a little bit more courage to speak my mind, to express the way I feel, to set boundaries and trust.