I would like to think of my self as someone who has moved on from the past and lives in present however, that is not the case. My first experience with trauma in my life started as a child, between the ages of 6 and 9 I started to experience abuse from my mother. Verbal abuse and physical abuse was normal in my household. I was constantly told how "simple" and naive I was and I was also made fun of by her (how I was shaped like a man). Whenever I did something that was not desired, such as getting "bad" or average marks in school, I got scolded for it. Every parent teacher meeting was a guaranteed scolding. I remember one day I decided to steal $2 from my older sister, she told my mother. When I got home from school that day, she told me to take off my clothes and wait in my room. She came in and asked me about the money, I told her the truth and she beat me with a wooden spoon, belt, or a shoe. That was the worst scolding I ever received from her. It seemed like it would never end. When she was done I had welts all over my body and they were sore and hurt to touch. She also managed to cut my skin in the process, and I still have the scar on my back from that day. I never challenged my mother, due to the fact that she put the fear of God in me. She was God, and as a result I never questioned or challenged her authority. I was timid and shy, but playful with those who I was familiar with. I was never encouraged to speak my mind, or challenge something that is not morally right. In fact, doing so would be disrespect (in my mother's eyes). I can still remember her anger, her frustration, her facial expressions and her horrible words that broke my spirit and confidence.
At the age of 8 or 9, my mother met a man, he moved in and they had a daughter (my sister). I had no father and he was the closest thing to a father figure. He was fun, I enjoyed his company and the things he did with me such as cycling at the ravine and going on car rides (while he flirting with other women). He was lively and had a love for music (reggae music), he always played music which brought good energy in our home. He made my mother happy and she loved him and did everything with him and for him. I used to lay with him in their bed and watch TV, that was comfort to me. We would watched "Archie Bunker" and "Married with Children".
However, one day he decided to take advantage of my innocence and molested me in their bed. He would put his hands in my underwear and touch me. I remember I was also starting to develop breasts and he would touch them. I continuously allowed it to happen. Until late one night we were watching TV together in the living room, he gave me beer to drink and I drank it. The effects of alcohol on a child is very immediate (from what I can remember), I felt drowsy and started to fall asleep. Suddenly, I felt his body on top of mine. I could feel his private on mine. I remember feeling very uncomfortable about him being on top of me while I was asleep. In a daze and scared, I jumped up and ran to my mothers room. He tried blocking me from going to her, but I managed to get through, and when I did get passed him I woke her up and told her what he was doing. She questioned me and asked me if I was sure, she checked me out and asked if I wanted to go to the doctor, I said yes. Because it was the middle of the night we did not go, but I was expecting to go in the morning. The morning came and everything proceeded as normal, as if nothing happened. Shortly after that night he took me out, drove me to the ravine we ride are bikes in and asked me if I didn't like what he was doing to me. I told him I didn't like it and he agreed to stop, and he did. As result of my mother lack of interest or concern I also disqualified what happened and proceeded with my life.
And so, life went on and my childhood/innocence was over. I no longer trusted my mother with anything. The way I looked at the world changed and began to internalize everything. I hid everything from her. I never expressed anything I felt or thought. After a short time, around a year or so my mother realized who he truly was and she removed him from her life (due to infidelity).
Regardless of how my mother treated me and my lack of trust for her, I always showed her love and appreciation. I did everything for her as a teenager: I became her chauffeur, carried heavy bags for her, buckled her shoes, cleaned, fixed anything that needed to be fixed, I became her "puppet".
As I got older I functioned the best way I knew how, stay quiet and be as nice as possible at all costs. I told high school friends of my experience and eventually my older sister. In 2011 I told my mother (age 27) and other relatives in my family, she remembered that night but took no responsibly at first, through my older sister she then recognized her responsibility and decided to apologize for her lack of compassion.
As a result of childhood trauma I have had many challenges with relationships in my life. From friendships, family relationships and intimate relationships. I am able to recognize the difficulty I have with communication, trust, and boundaries. My lack of communication in all my relationships have lead to countless disappointments and pain. Communication with others is one of by biggest struggles. Formulating sentences to describe feelings is like moving mountains: I have created a disconnect with my feelings. I have managed to completely disqualify anything I feel and make it secondary. Coping with simple situations/ problems is challenge. My critical thinking skills are lacking which makes problem solving almost impossible at times. I tend to avoid conflict or confrontation, my idea of dealing with a problem is to run or say nothing at all. My lack of trust for people have lead me to have an introverted, selfish behavior. My attitude of protecting myself from "potential harm" has created walls which block progression. Setting boundaries is inline with communication, and because I lack good communication skills I have allowed people (family, friends) to say or do things to me (and others) that shouldn't be said or done. My lack of boundaries have lead to people taking advantage of my kindness and me getting hurt. As a result of all of the above, I currently struggle with maintaining functional and healthy relationships.
Childhood trauma in adults is a horrible thing to battle. Recognizing that the world is not my mother is a challenge. Recognizing, that when someone does something that resembles her behavior it is not a reflection of her and I am no longer a child without a voice. I can stand up and communicate my thoughts and feelings, I can set boundaries with people and I can trust.
Although I am able to utter those words, I don't always believe them or even have the courage to do them. My cowardice behavior is distasteful (in my opinion) and prevents me from having the fulfilling life I desire.
I can only hope that each day I live, I can find a little bit more courage to speak my mind, to express the way I feel, to set boundaries and trust.
At the age of 8 or 9, my mother met a man, he moved in and they had a daughter (my sister). I had no father and he was the closest thing to a father figure. He was fun, I enjoyed his company and the things he did with me such as cycling at the ravine and going on car rides (while he flirting with other women). He was lively and had a love for music (reggae music), he always played music which brought good energy in our home. He made my mother happy and she loved him and did everything with him and for him. I used to lay with him in their bed and watch TV, that was comfort to me. We would watched "Archie Bunker" and "Married with Children".
However, one day he decided to take advantage of my innocence and molested me in their bed. He would put his hands in my underwear and touch me. I remember I was also starting to develop breasts and he would touch them. I continuously allowed it to happen. Until late one night we were watching TV together in the living room, he gave me beer to drink and I drank it. The effects of alcohol on a child is very immediate (from what I can remember), I felt drowsy and started to fall asleep. Suddenly, I felt his body on top of mine. I could feel his private on mine. I remember feeling very uncomfortable about him being on top of me while I was asleep. In a daze and scared, I jumped up and ran to my mothers room. He tried blocking me from going to her, but I managed to get through, and when I did get passed him I woke her up and told her what he was doing. She questioned me and asked me if I was sure, she checked me out and asked if I wanted to go to the doctor, I said yes. Because it was the middle of the night we did not go, but I was expecting to go in the morning. The morning came and everything proceeded as normal, as if nothing happened. Shortly after that night he took me out, drove me to the ravine we ride are bikes in and asked me if I didn't like what he was doing to me. I told him I didn't like it and he agreed to stop, and he did. As result of my mother lack of interest or concern I also disqualified what happened and proceeded with my life.
And so, life went on and my childhood/innocence was over. I no longer trusted my mother with anything. The way I looked at the world changed and began to internalize everything. I hid everything from her. I never expressed anything I felt or thought. After a short time, around a year or so my mother realized who he truly was and she removed him from her life (due to infidelity).
Regardless of how my mother treated me and my lack of trust for her, I always showed her love and appreciation. I did everything for her as a teenager: I became her chauffeur, carried heavy bags for her, buckled her shoes, cleaned, fixed anything that needed to be fixed, I became her "puppet".
As I got older I functioned the best way I knew how, stay quiet and be as nice as possible at all costs. I told high school friends of my experience and eventually my older sister. In 2011 I told my mother (age 27) and other relatives in my family, she remembered that night but took no responsibly at first, through my older sister she then recognized her responsibility and decided to apologize for her lack of compassion.
As a result of childhood trauma I have had many challenges with relationships in my life. From friendships, family relationships and intimate relationships. I am able to recognize the difficulty I have with communication, trust, and boundaries. My lack of communication in all my relationships have lead to countless disappointments and pain. Communication with others is one of by biggest struggles. Formulating sentences to describe feelings is like moving mountains: I have created a disconnect with my feelings. I have managed to completely disqualify anything I feel and make it secondary. Coping with simple situations/ problems is challenge. My critical thinking skills are lacking which makes problem solving almost impossible at times. I tend to avoid conflict or confrontation, my idea of dealing with a problem is to run or say nothing at all. My lack of trust for people have lead me to have an introverted, selfish behavior. My attitude of protecting myself from "potential harm" has created walls which block progression. Setting boundaries is inline with communication, and because I lack good communication skills I have allowed people (family, friends) to say or do things to me (and others) that shouldn't be said or done. My lack of boundaries have lead to people taking advantage of my kindness and me getting hurt. As a result of all of the above, I currently struggle with maintaining functional and healthy relationships.
Childhood trauma in adults is a horrible thing to battle. Recognizing that the world is not my mother is a challenge. Recognizing, that when someone does something that resembles her behavior it is not a reflection of her and I am no longer a child without a voice. I can stand up and communicate my thoughts and feelings, I can set boundaries with people and I can trust.
Although I am able to utter those words, I don't always believe them or even have the courage to do them. My cowardice behavior is distasteful (in my opinion) and prevents me from having the fulfilling life I desire.
I can only hope that each day I live, I can find a little bit more courage to speak my mind, to express the way I feel, to set boundaries and trust.
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